Back in Texas... These two worlds don't mix. It's hard to express the changing emotions I have felt, am feeling. I'm emotionally drained.I found these pictures in some old files.. From just three and four years ago!! I found lots of pictures from when we were children, and letters that I wrote to my mom when she moved away as a child. And my heart aches as I consider the beautiful mother she was, the mother she wasn't and the grandmother she will never have the chance to be... I am sad...
Time with her was good. I thought it would prepare me a little... but I don't think all the time in the world will prepare my heart for this. But I got to tell her that I love her, and she got the chance to tell me that she loves me. We put the first down payment on her funeral and we got a chance to plan how we want things to go when the time comes. She already has quite a bit of fluid in her lungs, her legs are actually mostly healed though... It's weird to think that after all of this it's the stroke that will take her life... We signed papers on comfort care so she will not be returning to the hospital. These were Mom's wishes and I am so thankful that these are not decisions that we have to make for her but with her.
I prayed for her to be healed and she wasn't. I prayed that she would be able to get up and walk out of the nursing home whole and healthy. There was part of me that really believed that it could happen. Mom just looked up with me with a smile and said well we both know that's not going to happen.. I just cordially smiled back. I wish God would heal her... But I trust him more than my own will. I know that his love also includes protection.
One last thing... I have become more thankful than ever before for the wonderful life that God has given me and my children... What a wonderful husband. What wonderful children. What a wonderful house, what stability, what love and passion for God and the desire to do his will... Thank you Father.
3 comments:
This line just connects with my heart: "And my heart aches as I consider the beautiful mother she was, the mother she wasn't and the grandmother she will never have the chance to be... I am sad..." My heart breaks with you, friend.
The contrast of the pictures from a few years ago, and the pictures from you time this past weekend, are a bit startling. They really capture what a tremendous journey this has been in such a short time. For you ,for Nicole, for your mom.
I love that she is still wearing her jewelry and fun, sparkly hats...that is such a great sign!
I like that this blog begins with heartbreak, and ends in profound thankfulness. How fitting for how we should approach heartbreak in general! That is a challenge to me.
I am lifting your mom up. Keep us posted.
such a beautiful yet heartbreaking journey the lord has taken you on. you are an amazing person. an amazing mama. wife. daughter. though the journey still continues, you will indeed grow stronger. better. move lovely.
he is with you.
you are being carried.
jesus is carrying your mama right into his loving merciful arms where all of her pain will melt away.
i love you, sweet friend.
this is the hardest part. the waiting part. i know it because i was there not too long ago. but jesus makes it bearable. you don't think so at the time, but its true. i am with you and praying for your mom. my heart is heavy with both sadness and hope for you and your family. you words are so encouraging to me, and others i'm sure. love you natalie!
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